Processing Death

This post will be a bit maudlin. Combined with the fact that I rarely post anything, I’ll completely understand if folks don’t bother reading it. I just feel the need to write this out, and “put it out there” into the wilds of cyberspace.

My grandfather died on last Tuesday. They found him in his chair, watching TV. My father called me and told me that night. I wasn’t sure how to respond then, and I’m still not sure how to even feel about it now.

I hadn’t seen my grandfather in over 20 years. It’s not due to a falling out or estrangement or anything tragic like that. It was simply due to the fact that he lived in Missouri and I’m in California. I know my father has gone back to visit several times, but I haven’t made the trip since I was 18. I just never felt like I had the time or the money to take a long trip like that back there. I’ve wanted to for years, but apparently I haven’t wanted to enough.

Today would have been my grandfather’s 90th birthday. The only reason I know that today would have been his birthday is because I saw it when I added his death to my family tree. Unless my parents would have told me, then I would have missed it completely. Now, I’m wishing he were still here so I could wish him a happy birthday - despite the fact that I probably wouldn’t have if he were still here.

I suppose there’s a message in that - “Hold on to the ones you have,” or, “You only miss the ones you’ve lost” or some cutesy Hallmark card version of it.  It says something about human nature - or at least my nature - that I now only miss him because he’s no longer around to be, for all intents and purposes, ignored.

There wasn’t a funeral. My grandfather didn’t want one. He just wanted to be cremated and stuck in the cemetery vault. I don’t know if that’s selfish or if he just thought it wasn’t worth the cost or effort. Funerals aren’t for the person that died - they’re for the living left behind. It gives us a chance to say goodbye or celebrate the life lost or whatever.

I know that I would have liked a chance to say goodbye - in fact, that’s at least part of the reason I started writing this. I know that I’m sad that he’s gone, and that I’m angry with myself for never nutting up and at least calling him. Why didn’t I? I mean, seriously, why didn’t I? It would have taken almost no effort, but I’m so wrapped up in my own shit and in being a crappy grandson that the thought never even occurred to me.

Fuck it.

Goodbye, Papa. I wish I’d taken the time to know you.

Anonymous asked: Are you going to "The Beatles: The Lost Concert" movie premier in a few weeks?

I wasn’t even aware of it being lost, much less found.

Cosplay Gifs from LSCC

drquinzel:

hoperidesforeveralone:

ragemoreroberts:

The following are all gifs made by me and edited me. Costumes are all made by respective wearers. x

These are fantastic!

THEY ARE REAL.